La La How The Life Goes On

Spinal Crap

Posted on: June 4, 2010

Back in February I threw my back out, or so I thought. I went to physical therapy and took copious quantities of ibuprofen and valium. The pain got somewhat better but never really better. Last week I finally got an MRI that showed a small compression fracture of my spine. Thank you, once again, to prednisone. I’ve been maxing on calcium and vitamin D, but apparently long-term prednisone use will not be denied: in addition to your appearance, your immune function and your sleep patterns, it will have your bones as well. F*cker. So I’m presently in a job (stay at home mom to a 23 pound child) that requires me to do pretty much the only things I’m supposed to not do: bend down and lift weights over 20 pounds. Which is the ongoing irony of “working inside the home:” there is no worker’s comp and no medical leave. You just have to make it work, fracture and all.

On the bright side, I now no longer feel like a malingerer. You know, like those corpulent delivery men who are caught on tape by their insurance companies re-roofing their homes while on back injury leave from work. I was feeling like a loser, like if this is supposed to heal in 6 weeks, why am I still hurting after 12? Why is physical therapy not working so well for me? Am I just a candyass when it comes to pain? Mystery solved.

In other news, why can’t I find a proper celebrity magazine to read anymore? For my photopheresis I am now getting the Big Metal Needle in my arm (due to vein scarring), so I can no longer move my right arm for the entire three hour procedure. This of course means no posting to LifeGoesOn and no facebooking for an entire morning (what?!!!). So I decided I’d use my time wisely: to catch up on all the mind candy reading I’ve been missing since I was out of commission during my transplant.

Well, apparently that’s not so easily done anymore, unless you consider The Kardashians and Spencer and Heidi to be celebrities you’d like to hear about. Where are the Jennifer Aniston cries every night for Brad articles? Where can I find all the latest on Halle Berry or Matt Damon or even anyone from any show on the CW? I’ll take it. I just cannot countenance one more article about reality TV people who have no business being in The Business. So I ended up buying Ladies Home Journal with effing Laura Bush on the cover. And a Parents Magazine (precisely NOT mindcandy). And a House Beautiful because it had a “Things you can do in one day to improve your home” blurb. Those things, of course, turned out to be “Buy this $2750 loveseat and $1000 wall hanging from your local art dealer–and voila!–you’re done!” Um, thanks. I’ll just go withdraw that spare four grand I’ve got loafing around my bank account and get right on that one-of-a-kind furniture purchase. Who knew home improvement could be so easy and intuitive?!

That said, I’d still rather read that than read about people I don’t know, doing things I don’t care about, with other people who are only known because they are hanging out with these people who are inexplicably somehow famous for having family fights or boob jobs or boring conversations about other nonentities on TV.

I first blame MTV, who brought us The Real World, which was not in truth their real crime. Developing Road Rules vs. Real World as a means to extend the “fame” of people from both shows was their highest crime and misdemeanor because it began the nefarious trend we now must live through, of people on reality TV being considered legitimate celebrities simply because they themselves consider themselves to be celebrities. I blame Survivor, because now we must suffer the slings and arrows of the mindless Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I blame the makers of Dancing With The Stars for thoroughly demeaning the definition of the word “star.” And I wholeheartedly blame CBS for The Amazing Race and the fact that it is now a shameful part of the lovely Anderson Cooper’s resume. Yes friends, it’s time to stop the madness, and that means not buying magazines featuring anyone under the age of 30 from a reality TV show.
Wait. Why “under 30?” Because, truth be told, the minute someone does a Housewives of New Jersey special issue featuring Caroline Manzo on the cover, I am sleeping outside the newsstand to get the first copy. If you think that makes me a hypocrite, then why don’t you come on over here with a bunch of cameras and production assistants and tell me so?

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1 Response to "Spinal Crap"

I’m a Real Houswives junky. It’s my secret guilty pleasure. My husband thinks it’s because I “want to be them”. SERIOUSLY! That couldn’t be further from the truth. I love watching the train wreck!!!!! Who wouldn’t? My favorite this season is Kelly from Real Housewives of New York. Talk about “bringing the crazy”!!!!

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