La La How The Life Goes On

My Kid is Totally Unprofessional

Posted on: June 18, 2010

If you’ve never been a stay at home mom you may not really understand what the day-to-day is like. You might think of it as joyous communion with one’s offspring, the opportunity to watch scads of daytime television, prodigious quantities of homemade cappuccinos with other mom friends as we discuss our blessed and charmed lives, and essentially a freedom that you don’t have because you have to go to work.

You’d be wrong.

Let’s translate my day at home to yours at the office. My coworkers and I say good morning with bad breath–and sometimes one of them has pooped her pants. Imagine you have a meeting to attend; you and your colleagues plan to leave the office together. Only, one of those coworkers REFUSES to put on her coat and shoes, so you’re all waiting around until she decides she’s going to do it–IF she’s going to do it. But for the time being, she’s just pretty much throwing down that the shoes are not effing going on and you all can pound sand at your stupid meeting. So you’re late for your meeting. When you finally do arrive, Miss Colleague #1 cannot sit still, cannot listen, cannot do anything remotely self-contained. You hear about half of what you need to hear, but you’re grateful you got that much out of the experience insofar as the damn shoes were finally put on and you actually got here to begin with.

Finally back to the office. You tend to work through lunch at your desk, but a couple of times a week your colleague will not go and be quiet in her own office during the lunch hour; she must scream and cry and raise the roof in a manner that makes it impossible for you to complete a single task on your To-Do list. Without exaggeration: you accomplish NOTHING during the supposed Golden Hour of Productivity at least two days a week. What makes these outbursts most difficult is that you cannot predict their schedule. Will Monday be the day your breakfast dishes are still in the sink at dinner time? Or will that be Tuesday? Will your kitchen floor remain unmopped for another month because of Thursday drama? You just never know. So phone calls go unreturned, emails go unanswered, and houses continue to look ransacked. But don’t worry–I’m sure you look like you’re doing a great job regardless.

Finally the end of the day is upon you and let’s say you managed to do some simple straightening up of your office or some basic document work or you managed somehow to finish that giant project that’s been hanging over your head. Your colleague will now walk into your office and mess up that desk while pooping her pants and then delete all your files from the day, which means you will start tomorrow AM at the same baseline as you did today. Any measurable progress on anything? It’s as if it never happened. Any attempt to clean your surroundings? Futile–and tinged with the faint smell of poopies.

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