La La How The Life Goes On

It’s Not the Dress That Makes You Look Fat..

Posted on: June 19, 2010

…It’s the FAT that makes you look fat! –Ed Bundy, Married With Children

I have been complaining and moaning in these pages about my prednisone-induced lard-ass, but without much detail. So in the interests of nothing in particular, please allow me to regale you with the Stuff You Didn’t Want To Know About My Fat:

1. I have just hit the “Red Flag” weight before the “Never Gonna Be That Weight Again” weight I promised myself I’d never countenance. This is a motivator like you cannot imagine.

2. Why so motivated? I now have ROLLS. Yep. Rolls. Haven’t had rolls since I was 13, (oh, and 19 back when I gained the Freshman 30, quickly resolved when my PARENTS did a doubletake to recognize me coming off the plane. Nothing scarier than your parents searching your face and going, “Daughter? Is that you?”). Never planned on having rolls again, but here we are.

3. My rolls have rolls. To the extent that when I wake up in the morning or if I sweat a little during they day, I get panicked that I may start getting those rashes and chafing from skin being stuck to skin for hours.

4. Speaking of chafing, I am at real risk of developing Chub Rub, that scourge of all heavy people everywhere. If you knew me back in grade school when I was a chubba, you will recall my painfully chafed inner thighs peeking out of my terrycloth shorts jumper. You will remember my heavy neighbor gladly interrupting her viewing of Hart to Hart to tell me to use vaseline to stop the chafing. You will remember my mortification that not everyone apparently got the chub rub–nope, just us fatties.

5. Prednisone fat is a different texture than regular fat. Regular fat is rolypoly. Predfat is solid-roly. And only in specific locations. So when I say I have fat rolls I don’t mean this kind:

I mean, unfortunately, more like this kind:

Note how that zipper is begging for mercy. Note how the entire enterprise is teetering on the brink of catastrophic malfunction due solely to a giant swathe of adipose tissue at precisely the location of the zipper/button combo fastener. Note that if that terrible stylist had given me a brown rinse and perm back in December 2009 rather than the Sigourney Weaver in Alien3 debacle, I would be a dead ringer right now for Susan Boyle and her display of haberdashery hopelessness.

Therefore, note me avoiding the bad carbs for the next several weeks.

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