La La How The Life Goes On

Love at First Bite

Posted on: August 10, 2010

My kid freakin’ bit me today. I sh*t you not. And if we hadn’t been in the company of dear friends and I was perhaps not such a loving, giving and tremendously devoted mother, 😉 I would have possibly thrown her across the room. I obviously refer to my 21 month-old future Mike Tyson. Please believe that you have not hurt until you have had human teeth take a chunk out of you. My shoulder still hurts, hours later. Big teeth marks, like the kind that would make Caruso on CSI Miami take off/put on his sunglasses about three times and then proclaim the case solved, the identity of the perp revealed.

Why, you ask, would my child bite me? Because, I think, she wanted to see how it felt. I am not kidding. We were with dear friends, like I said, whose daughter was bitten by a 4 year old (I’ll let the outrage of a biting 4 year old sink in for you) during day care. She has since begun trying biting herself to see if it might work. Well, I think she may have bit Baby Sister this weekend, and you can see the Cycle of Violence we have here, kids. Damn juvies! So we were just sitting eating breakfast when Baby Sister stood up on my lap, leaned her head on my shoulder…and BIT ME! I was in such shock I think my exact words were, “OH my god, did you just BITE ME? HELL NO!” So I put her on the ground and marched her into the house where she had to stay away from us for a minute or two, which was of course excruciating for her. Meanwhile I’m looking at a bleeding shoulder and wondering how I will stop myself from losing it if she ever bites me again.

Here’s why. For some reason, I have a visceral dislike for kids who bite. (Not our friends’ kid, because she is a doll and obviously was bitten herself and is just being two). But WTF with the 4 year old who started this whole thing off? There is something so barbaric and so Id about a kid biting my kid that I just get completely wild about it. I was trying to explain to the Dada why pushing and shoving are not great but at least they don’t require a doctor visit and a tetanus shot, right? I mean, it takes a certain amount of aggression to actually want to sink your teeth into another human, that it just freaks me out when I hear about kids getting bitten by other kids. I’m probably overreacting to the entire thing, but I just feel so strongly that I am NOT raising a biter. I mean, I will seriously bring Baby Sister’s world to a crashing, depressing halt if she ever does that again, for no other reason than I find biting to be antisocial in a way that disturbs me as the child’s parent.

It reminded me of Bambina who, when she was 4 and wanted a popsicle at 10am, decided to hit me because she had seen her friend, who we’ll call Veruca Salt, hit her mother and get what she had been demanding. Fast forward to The Moment of Impact in our house and witness Bambina being fireman-carried up to her room, the door slammed shut, many many tears and pleas for mercy, and the subsequent announcement that what works in other kids’ houses don’t work here, and please believe your little life will change for the super-worse if you EVER think you can raise your hand to me again, especially seeing as I never, ever have raised my hand to you. Note that I broke her little spirit and I didn’t care one bit. In the end, Dada reminded me that you can’t blame a kid for trying something, especially if they see it gets results in other environments. Fair enough. But I sure as hell can scare the holy shit out of her if she thinks she’s gonna do it to me.

So Baby Sister is now on notice: You want to bite the mama bull, you’re gonna get the horns.

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2 Responses to "Love at First Bite"

How does one test for vampire?

True, you shouldn’t deny your child’s vampire heritage. She will only resent you for it later.

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