La La How The Life Goes On

I Coulda Died

Posted on: August 23, 2010

What a delightful few weeks it’s been. I’ll begin at the end, where I offered condolences to the family of a man not yet deceased.

I know. Pardon the pun, it was positively mortifying. The man in question is an old distant friend. His best friend posted a seeming eulogy to him, under which the man’s sister wrote, “He will be missed by everyone who loves him.” Based on those two entries I conclude that the dude is dead, right? Wrong. I write a few sentences about how I’m so sorry about his passing and what a gem he was. To which his best friend replies that “he is still with us, fighting until the end.” So why did you write his eulogy? Why did his sister say he’ll be missed if he’s still alive? Oh my god. I was appalled at myself. So I quickly deleted my comment and hoped very few people saw it. Very few people except my brother, who said that he was about to write his condolences too when he saw the friend’s response and decided against it, being that the dude was apparently NOT DEAD.

I’m so mortified because there really is a difference between saying, say, Jeff Goldblum is dead when he is clearly alive and well and able to leap to his Twitter account to dispel such rumors, and saying that someone lying on his deathbed fighting for his life is currently dead. It has all the hallmarks of bad luck and of the power of suggestion. I feel terrible about writing it, especially since he did indeed pass just a few hours later. No thanks to me. Gah.

Which reminds me of a couple of weeks ago when we went to our friends’ house for breakfast with all the kids together and we brought the bagels. In my generosity I thought it would be great to also add some bacon cream cheese to the bag. Did I mention that our friends do not eat pork–or any meat–for religious reasons? See, I KNEW that but apparently in my bacon-induced psychosis I forgot it. Or failed to recall it. Or something. All I know is that I used their knives to spread my delicious and amazing bacon cream cheese on my bagel on their plates and never once clued in until I asked (in my majestic magnanimity) if they’d like to keep the cream cheese. My friend’s response was a really sweet and polite, “Oh we don’t eat bacon in the house, so no thanks.” Please let the earth open up and swallow me NOW, thank you. And please let me taste like bacon.

Oh, and let me tell you about my recent pheresis appointment where I apparently mistakenly assumed my nurse was gay. Oh yes, I am THAT good. He’s been my nurse for months now, and he is, I was so sure, gay gay gay. I could run down the list of reasons I thought/think so but they’d sound offensive or stupid or ill-informed or retro in a bad way. Suffice to say that he lives in a big house he’s fixing up, he has two awesome dogs, he says “we” a lot about his life but never quite mentions who the other person is, and..other reasons that, again, sound ridiculous unless you were there. So I’ve been talking to him since day one with the assumption that he is a gay man. Not that it changes anything, but just that I assumed we were totally relating on a particular level. Assumptions are a mistake, clearly, because when I said something ( I don’t even remember what about particularly at this point) that “You guys must be so excited…” he completely shut me down, like, “I like girls!” Oh, okay. My bad. But it was a terrible feeling. Especially because I was totally caught off-guard in my mind, like, you’re WHAT? You’re straight?! That is not possible! Instead I said something like, “Oh, of course. My mistake.” But I was dumbfounded for the rest of the day. A little bit at his heterosexuality but mostly at my dumbassness, which cotinues unabated, powered mostly by bacon.


2 Responses to "I Coulda Died"

Just an FYI-The man in question is an old distant friend-Funeral is Friday 🙂

awkward moment for you but just let me say, albeit prematurely, R.I.P. San Francisco Giants in the wildcard race. lol

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