La La How The Life Goes On

I Absolve You

Posted on: September 20, 2010

I love that line. I’m sure it’s from lots of places, but for me it’s from the movie Amadeus. They’re wheeling the clearly demented Antonio Salieri in on his 18th century Viennese wheelchair and he is making the sign of the cross and repeating to all the patients, “I absolve you, I absolve you.” It’s a powerful scene because it shows the deplorable mental state of this sad man while also illustrating his preternatural sense of personal importance.

Which segues nicely into my list of all the people I forgive this High Holiday season:

1. The kindly-looking senior citizen in a giant Oldsmobile who got out of his car and started screaming, “You fuckin’ whore! You fuckin’ filthy whore! Fuck you!” at a lady in an SUV who’d had the temerity to take what he perceived to be “his” gas pump location. I forgive you for being such an angry, scary and unnecessarily threatening person with zero ability to manage even life’s smallest disappointments or irritations. For so thoroughly embarrassing your poor wife who was cowering in the car as you unleashed your diatribe on a total stranger who meant you no harm. For reminding me that sometimes cute old men can still be assholes.

2. The people who collect money “for charity” at the intersection. Because you put on a yellow traffic vest or some homemade t-shirt, slap a xeroxed sign on an old white bucket, and expect me to just hand you money out my car window because your organization is so clearly very legit. I mean, how stupid am I supposed to be? If you are legitimate, nothing devalues your mission more than acting like panhandlers–especially when you provide no information whatsoever about that mission, not to mention the rank organizational arrogance of thinking you should get money without making any kind of pitch beyond, “Hey, you’re trapped at a red light and I’ve got a bucket.” If you are not legitimate, then mazel tov on looking exactly the part. Either way, you are not having my money. But here’s some disdain. Oh. Right. I mean, disdain wrapped in forgiveness.

3. The computer guy at “boston’s mac connection.” If you ever saw Jimmy Fallon’s “Computer Guy” character on Saturday Night Live, then you know who I was dealing with: a guy who is in the business of helping people who are not proficient in the back end of computing; complicated by the fact that he is full of impatience and dislike for people who are not proficient in the back end of computing. It must take a toll on one’s soul to rely on people you hate for your livelihood. Anyway, I was there because my Mac drowned when my bottle of water accidentally opened in my bag and fried it. The cute hot guy at the Mac store offered condolences…before trying to sell me a new $1000+ model. Nice. Then he referred me to Computer Guy to get my photos off the deceased hard drive, since every pic I took in China with Baby Sister is on there, not to mention my extensive ITunes library, full of The Killers, Barry Manilow and Outkast, and all of my previous writings/drafts/story ideas (mostly full of killers, men on the down-low and outcasts).

So I called The Computer Guy, who said, “Just bring it in and we’ll get it done!” I drove through the winding streets of the Greater Boston area, only to find out that I was supposed to bring my own external HD with me to receive the data. I was also given the bad news–with extreme bad attitude–that the only thing coming off the computer would be the photos because, ‘blah blah computer speak, TPS reports, defrag, root kernel blah blah.” Great. So I drove home and came back the next day with the required hard drive. Saw that it was my nemesis behind the desk, braced myself for his haughty disapproval of my luddite self. What happened? Computer Guy did not remember me. Had no recollection of either a) telling me to come on in! b) telling me JUST 24 HOURS BEFORE that I’d to come back with a hard drive or c) saying that only photos could be retrieved. It’s like his entire day is such a continuous unrelenting seething session that each moronic customer simply melds into the next. So, Computer Guy, I forgive you for giving me bad information, for giving me the runaround, for acting like I’m as dumb as dirt because I don’t happen to be educated in computer technology (perhaps forgetting that “dumb” people like me are the only reason YOU have a market). But I’ll forgive you more if you recover my Deee-Lite and Duran Duran catalogs.

My list goes on, but since Yom Kippur ended and it’s taken me days to finally finish this post, I’ll leave it at that. After all, I’m now working on my list for NEXT year.


2 Responses to "I Absolve You"

I thought of JP as soon as I read that and him Absolving us in true Salieri fashion 🙂

Oh how I love a woman who uses “preternatural” correctly.


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