La La How The Life Goes On

Left Behind

Posted on: May 22, 2011

i’m a little rusty on my End Times theology, but I’m thinking today was not the day for the Rapture after all. How does it even work? Aren’t these events supposed to be prefaced by some kind of apocalypse which will be preceded by the four horsemen of said apocalypse? Isn’t it supposed to be all scary stuff happening that makes us Jews and our atheist HIndu friends freak out and beg that Jesus accept us as his children before we burn in the fires of hell?

Well, however it works, the BabyDaddy and I were in the fires of hell this morning. Please picture two girls shrieking, wailing, projectile drama-ing before 8am, all because…we have no idea. In a chilling premonition of Bambina’s adolescence, anything we said to her sent her into her room in a blur of tears and yelling. Then Baby Sister wanted candy for breakfast. Even I said no to that. Which prompted her to begin shrieking and screaming like a banshee. BBDD and I were looking at each other like, “What the fuck just happened here?” And so it continued apace all morning, until we suggested that we all go to the zoo. That started another round of drama, ‘Nooo! NOt the zooo!!!!!” Like we’d suggested double root canals with a side of liver and broccoli. I was pretty certain for a minute there that we had indeed been left behind, because this was hell on earth for sure.

So we regrouped. I looked at the BBDD and said, “Divide and conquer!” So we each took one child and nursed her back to mental health. But, in all honesty, I was sitting with Bambina, hugging, doing all the soothing things but I was really thinking, “Punk, you are effing kidding me with this!” Baby Sister for her part gets credit for knowing herself, because as she was flipping out on the floor i said, “Do you need to go back to bed maybe? You woke up a little bit early today.” She screamed, “YES!!!” and grabbed her Pooh blanket and her cat Bobo and marched herself into her bed with a “bite me, Mama!” flourish.

As I sat with Bambina and talked her off the ledge, I was thinking about what The Rapture would entail and what people would be expecting to find when they got to wherever it was that the rapture party was happening. Would they expect 1,000 virgins? Or their own floaty cloud with George Burns on direct dial? Or eternal harmony? All I know is that, even as I sat there thinking, “these offing kids have been sent here to kill me and I will not break first!” I was pretty certain that the only place I wanted to be raptured to was right here, with these insane children, the bemused BabyDaddy, and this money pit of a house.

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1 Response to "Left Behind"

I thought it had come?

I woke up after midnight and into May 21st and there “it” was, one of the four “mares” of the apocalypse – my horsey looking wife – naked and bouncing up and down on me shrieking “it’s rapture time, I wanna be Maid in Manhattan”

To which I replied “get a bloody atlas ya daft cow, we’re in New Mexico and I’m not Strauss-Kahn, you’re dreaming again.”

So my empathies to you and your Hebrew family – I’m a bad catholic and if you like I can put a word in for you next time I’m up there – I have it on good authority that there’s a special place in heaven for us lot – they put us in a special place with a big high wall around so that we dont find out that you lot and others are up there as well.

Toodle Pip, in the name of the testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch and a Jolly Happy Shalom to you all – Lockheim – WOOPEY!

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