La La How The Life Goes On

Lean Mean Weiner Machine

Posted on: June 9, 2011

HI folks. Just doing my part, along with Representative Anthony Weiner, to further torture all those kids out there with the last name Weiner and/or its derivatives. Yep. You can be outraged about his online dalliances with all manner of nubile young starfuckers. I’ll be outraged first about the damage he’s done to the good name of Weiner. I mean, as if these kids do not have enough to contend with! Even Ralph Lauren changed his name from Lipschitz for a REASON: because kids are mean as hell, especially if your name can be turned into something sexual or scatological. Now the Weiner/Weingart/Weinert kids have to suffer the slings and arrows of sharing a surname with a guy now famous for his… (wait for it) weiner. For this alone, Anthony is a weenie. Or, for the Jews reading, Dy-weenu Dy-dy-weenu, dy-dy-weenu, dy-wee-nu!

Moving on to the issue of the online, ahem, conversations, I simply wonder why we all act so shocked and surprised when this stuff happens. With all respect to the lovely men in my life, I think we can all agree that men are fucking idiots when it comes to sexual behavior. I cannot imagine sitting at my computer and thinking, “I know! I’ll take a picture of my cooter and mail it to someone I’ve never met!” The very notion boggles my mind, not to mention the physics, the lighting, the focus, etc. And yet many males–some lovely people–would think nothing of it, perhaps seeing it as a necessary step in the online mating ritual. And if you read the transcript of the Weiner/Las Vegas blackjack dealer sexts, (but if you do, bear in mind that you cannot un-read something even if you desperately want to) the man cannot stop discussing his giant awesome penis and all its many accomplishments, past and future. Beyond the fact that this shows a shockingly low standard for sex talk on the part of the woman, it shows the juvenile nature of even a grown man on a computer. If I hadn’t known it was a sitting Congressman with a pregnant wife, I’d have thought it was a 15 year-old boy left alone with a stash of 70’s p*rn as inspiration. He just needs a Tom Selleck mustache and some tube socks and he’ll be good to go.

Which brings us to the women in these encounters, some of whom have been only too happy to come forward “reluctantly” with their full, downloaded-and-saved, verbatim texts from A. Weiner. Bitches, one and all. Yeah, I said it: Bitches. The man is married. End of fucking story. Now you’re so sad he lied to you? Yu’re so embarrassed he was doing it with so many other women? Please. My bullshit meter doesn’t go that high, honey. You talked dirty to a married man via computer, and now you’re “sorry” or “sad” or “embarrassed?” Well, let me get out my Anthony Weiner-sized violin and play the tiniest, saddest song for you because you never saw this coming. Or maybe I’ll spend my time feeling bad for his pregnant wife instead.

So what’s the solution to these ongoing ugly situations with men in power taking pics of themselves for The Ladies Not Their Wives? Simple. I’ve said it before (*cough!* Clinton!) and I’ll say it again: If you are famous, and I am fucking you, please know that I WILL BE TELLING SOMEONE. It may not be a Linda Tripp-style sting, but it might be my roommate or my hairstylist or my sister. Because what girl is giving it up (online or otherwise) for a famous guy, be he Bono, Justin Beiber or Conrad Burns–and is keeping that to herself? NO girl, that’s who. I know, Congressman. This girl is different! She understands you! She supports you! Bull cookies, dude. Girl is telling someone. Know it and act accordingly. And for those Men In Power over the age of 18 not raised on the fine points of internet behavior, please also understand that getting naked online doesn’t make it LESS likely you’ll be found out. It just means it’s that much sooner that we all get to see your weiner.

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3 Responses to "Lean Mean Weiner Machine"

Amen sistah!

True that!
And for the record, when I finally hook up with my next husband, I will skywrite:

“Jodster is doinking Richie Sambora!”

All over town! Cause what good is it doinking a famous dude if you can’t brag…

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