La La How The Life Goes On

The Proust Questionnaire

Posted on: August 13, 2011

Every issue of Vanity Fair contains a famous person answering the Proust Questionnaire. One of my favorites was Paul Newman who was extremely evasive while being very funny. For the background of the Q and Proust’s own answers, go here.

For mine look below. Be sure to link to yours in the comments.

What is your current state of mind?
Tired but content, with an undercurrent of harried but grateful.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Happy, healthy kids.Calorie-free french fries. Ongoing, non-marriage-threatening sexual tension with my new neighbor, Ewan McGregor.

What is your greatest fear?
Before kids, spiders. After kids, anything to do with their harm. SVU’s ratings went way down after 2005…

What historical figure do you most identify with?
None. How does one even answer this? Like, I’ve always seen myself as a modern-day Plato…? Or, I see a lot of myself in Menachim Begin?

Which living person do you most admire?
My friend Betsy. My old college classmate Andre. The BabyDaddy.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Pettiness. Take a shot of judgment, add a twist of self-involvement, shake for as long as it takes to say, “Selfishness.” That is the liquid poison that I constantly have to work my 12 steps to avoid.

In others?
Bigotry. Racism. Prejudice. Whatever you want to call it, it’s ugly and evil and toxic to both sender and recipient.

What is it that you most dislike?
Entitlement and Lack of Charity. Like, oh my child must have the BEST teacher or I will torture you with emails and meetings until I get my way. I eat only this and you must have it for me or incur my wrath. Or, I’m sorry I can’t help you, homeless person, but I am in a rush to get to church.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Trips to China.

What do you most value in your friends?
Unconditional love, because please believe I am not easy to truly, truly hang with. I shut people out. I get wrapped up in my own stuff. I don’t call enough or write enough. I’m kind of a shit friend, really. But thank god my friends are better than I am.

What is your favorite journey?
From the kitchen to my bed at the end of the day. Or the distance between the morning caffeine and my brain.

What is your most treasured possession?
My Dad’s old watch. My kids’ early possessions.

What do consider the most overrated virtue?
Politicians having to be “just like me.”. Hello? I don’t want my plumber, transplant surgeon, airline pilot or car mechanic to be just like me. I want them to the best they can be at their profession and to hell with whether they are charming, down to earth or personable–or a snob or elitist or whatever. I used to go incandescent when people would say they liked GW Bush because they felt they could have a beer with him. Really, America? This is your criteria for the leader of your nation? When I had to get a transplant I found the best doctor in the country, socially-retarded though he may be. I don’t need to have a beer with him; I need him to save my life. Likewise, I don’t care that my electrician in DC said the F word like it was part of the air he respired. The man hooked us up with talent and efficiency; he was the best at his craft and that’s all that matters when you don’t want your house to burn down. Anything else is folly. And yet in politics we want the guy just like us. As Groucho Marx said, “Any club that would have me as a member…”

On what occasion do you lie?
Only on days that end in Y.

Which living person do you most despise?
Rupert Murdoch. For Fox News, the most laughable example of “journalism” in the world, and unfortunately a window into America’s id. For ruining the Wall Street Journal, which I now refuse to let the BBDD purchase with our money. If he wants to go hack some murdered girl’s phone to raise the subscription cash, then he’s welcome to it.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
The Jones Girls and Dr. BabyDaddy Jones, because he is the sun around which this family rotates. He is the glue, the center of gravity, the reason we are all mentally sane. Any place without him is of no interest to me. But don’t tell him that, for gods sake, or he’ll start hoping for Michelle Bachmann-style submission unto thy husband.

When and where were you happiest?
That time someone asked me this question and I said, “wouldn’t you like to know?”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Legs: Longer, thinner and lacking necrotic bone.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Shepherding Bambina through my transplant with only minor psychological damage inflicted.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
We’d have one more member: a 50’s housewife to do all the crap work and bring us martinis.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty. Except for questions regarding the size of my butt in any outfit.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Loyalty to and respect for other women.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being stuck in an elevator with Gwyneth Paltrow.

What is your favorite occupation?
I have two. First is being a mom. It’s so magical and utterly relentlessly rewarding. The second is writing fiction.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Gigantic forehead. Loud mouth.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Keyser Soze.

How would you like to die?
Very very old.

What is your motto?
Press On Regardless.


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