La La How The Life Goes On

I’m Comin’ Out

Posted on: October 11, 2011

It’s National Coming Out Day. That means if you are gay and in the closet, you need to bring your sweet self outta there and feel the love of those who don’t give a rat’s ass either way. That’s right, darling. We’re waiting for you. Bet you ten bucks 80% of your family and friends already knows and is waiting for you to say it so we can all breathe a sigh of relief that we don’t have to go on living this lie anymore. Because when you are in the closet, honey, we are all in there with you. I bet you a million dollars (unless you are in high school in Tuscaloosa, Alabama for example) that your life will suddenly open up to you in positive ways you never imagined possible.

I know the conservative right wing would like me to say that I want you to learn to be gay from terrible examples set by others, and that I think you should push your evil Gay Agenda in the schools to young, impressionable children who can be convinced to become gay. But all human brains beyond the level of half-wit know that is bull cookies, in the most dangerous and damaging way. I know this for a fact because I can’t actually recall the moment I CHOSE to like boys. Can’t put my finger on the day when I convinced myself to find boy naughty bits exciting. Can’t transport myself back to the time when I first kissed a boy and thought, “I wish he was a girl, but I’ll just press on regardless in the name of Jesus.”

Reasonable people understand that being gay is but one part of who a person is. They also understand that it’s an important part. I had never thought much about gay people until college student advisor training, when the director of student life asked us to imagine being shipwrecked on an island where homosexuality was the norm, and to get by, to get a job, to make friends, I would have to find a woman, date her, marry her and have children, all the while pretending that it was exactly what I wanted. Any deviation from that norm would mean social shunning, bullying and disgrace. The instant I considered my heterosexuality in that way, I realized that I’d probably open a vein if such a pretense were in my future.
Which means that we have work to do, America.

Why the f*(k do you care if two guys love each other? Why are you threatened by two women dating? What precisely is your problem with the status of other people’s relationships? How does the marriage of two men or two women AT ALL impact YOUR marriage? It doesn’t. When you really peel away all of your fears, insecurities, prejudices, you truly come to grips with the fact that nobody’s marriage or relationship has anything to do with yours. When someone in your family comes out and you really peel away all of your fears, insecurities and prejudices, you truly come to grips with the fact that you can either stop loving someone–or you can very simply change your mind.

Parents, when your kids (like my eldest) talk about marrying another girl (she’s 7; indicative of nothing at this point), you don’t freak out and “correct” them. You support it. You normalize it. When your kid hits high school, you absolutely refuse to countenance any smack talk about what is “gay” and who is gay. You kick the shit out of your kid for meanness to ANYONE. I remember The Obviously Gay Kid in my high school. His life sucked. I knew it, but didn’t actually do anything to help him, goody two-shoes that I was. I saw it as not my problem, and besides, I was really busy trying to get my hair as big as possible by clearing the Osco Drug shelves of Aqua Net. “Homos” were not on my radar. I pray to God that I am raising my kids to simultaneously notice and support gay classmates while not giving a shit about the gayness.

Bambina’s godparents/uncles are married. Her male cousin is married to the best (male) non-Jewish brisket maker in history. Her babysitters are usually lesbian, by some fluke. She is 7 and she gets that it’s irrelevant. Why can’t we?


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