La La How The Life Goes On

Happy TMI Bday 2 Me!

Posted on: March 28, 2013

My name is Mama. I am about to turn 41. I am menopausal.

Yes, friends. Ladyparts hilarity has ensued since my Blood Clot Incident of 2013. Namely, no estrogen allowed! You may likely know that chemotherapy (much like the GOP’s friend legitimate rape) “shuts that whole thing down” as regards the baby making. So you take estrogen in whatever form to avoid early menopause. All fine and good when you are 34 years old and fresh off a transplant. This practice, however, can cause blood clots and other types of cancer in The Olds, which apparently I now number myself among. So in light of the fact that my clot was such a mystery and surprise, they took me off the pill the morning after. (Ha! See what I did there?)

Anyhoo, going cold turkey on estrogen has been a RIDE, y’all, but not all bad. I assumed I’d wake up and suddenly look like Geraldine Ferraro. Hasn’t yet happened. No Phyllis Diller either, although I wouldn’t say no to morphing into that aging hag Nigella Lawson. I have not yet purchased any inspirational books about what I shall do now that I am barren, nor have I opened a reiki studio that promises empowerment and nourishment for the senior soul, although I always–at any age–reserve the right to Jazzercise. So that’s all good.

I have, however, been SWEATING LIKE A FAT KID. In 30 second bursts throughout the day and night. Followed by 30 seconds of freezing. Then back to normal for an hour or so until…holy crap! What’s the g*ddamned temperature in this dump?! Unbutton shirt. Fan myself. Oh. It’s gone. Freeze for half a minute. Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Yes, it’s a different kind of hot flash than I used to deliver in my twenties. But it’s all good as long as you insist you are “glistening” rather than schvitzing.

You see, the upside to going cold turkey on estrogen is the total skip over that pesky perimenopause, the lengthy years-long dialing down process of becoming a Foxy Silver Hair. In my case it was 10 Days To Sweaty Town, with a stop for a snack in Dry Skinville. Which luckily coincided with me getting a teeny tiny free sample of SK-II Cellumination, the ludicrously expensive product shilled by the luminous and perhaps soon-to-be-menopausal Cate Blanchett. Which was AMAZING. Ah. Maze. Balls. Like butter. Like nubile, fresh, young butter. I shed a tear when my sample was empty.

I therefore call upon the good people at SK-II to send me more. For free. Because I just mentioned you (and the reproductive state of your spokesmodel!) on my blog which boasts literally tens of readers!! I just earned that sh*t. Recognize.

So quality creams rule the day. Gotta maintain my limited collagen supplies now, darlings. I now dress for sweaty success at all times. But mostly I’m kind of psyched to get this out of the way. So that when my friends are 50 and just beginning their pause, my reiki studio with organic juice cleanses and healing crystals will be fully open for business. Senior citizen discounts, ladies!


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