La La How The Life Goes On

15 Is the Magic Number

Posted on: July 5, 2013

Today marks 15 years since I became Mrs. Dr. Baby Daddy. Like today, that day was blistering hot and we were in crazy youngster love. Unlike that day, we now have gray hairs, massive eye bags, and two precious darling chilluns responsible for both. We look like hell, but we’re happy.

So what, since you haven’t asked, keeps this marriage workin’? Well, let me tell you a secret: it ain’t love. Friends, if the primary thing that you boil it all down to is love, in my 2-bit opinion, that ain’t much.

Of course I love the BabyDaddy. But love can’t do it alone when the world is raining sh$t down on you. “Love” is the last resort when you’ve got nothing else. But your marriage has got to have something else to be worth it, not to mention be a joy rather than a chore.

You gotta have Commitment. To the relationship. To each other. To the happiness and fulfillment of the other person. BBDD and I have got this in spades. You step to my husband, personally, professionally, socially? Get ready for a fistful of Mama to your throat. You will not take him or me or us down. You will not divide us. Because he and I are a team, come what may. Even on the days when we seem to be talking past each other and fundamentally misunderstanding each other and maybe kinda sorta not feelin’ it for each other because he chewed his food wrong today in my humble, cranky opinion: you come at us, you are still going down. Because nothing is more important to us than us.

Which means that I genuinely want good things for him, completely independent of what those good things might mean for me. Seriously. If you are with someone who doesn’t in his bones want you to be as awesome and happy and fulfilled as you can be, dump that trash today. Now. Put away the blog and get to dumping. Certainly there are days when I wish he weren’t traveling for work or riding his bike or whatever. But that’s because I am prone to selfish bitchery when tired. 🙂 But I wouldn’t want him to give up anything that truly gave his life a sense of joy. If there were a husband corollary to Happy Wife, Happy Life, I’d subscribe to it.

You gotta have Trust. IMHO, once the trust is gone, the marriage is gone. I can love you a million ways, want to be with you for a million years, but if I can’t trust you it has to be over. Trust is the strongest, most necessary and most fragile element of a relationship. You break it? Please collect your belongings off the lawn and don’t impede the locksmith, because we have nothing left here to discuss. Oprah always liked to end her magazine issues with “What I Know For Sure.” I thought it was a wee bit cheesy until I actually comprehended her goal. It was not to Know For Sure that, say, Dustin Hoffman is a national treasure. It was getting at those things your soul can count on. Well, one thing I know for sure us that I am safe with the BBDD. That this guy is solid. That he is what they meant when they invented the word Trustworthy. If you can’t say the same, get to dumping.

You gotta have Fun. The BBDD still makes me laugh. Still laughs at my lame jokes too. Now, granted, we used to have a lot more high-dollar, no-kid fun back in the day. But to everything a season. This is our season of child-rearing and less spending and me trying to stop GVHDing. The wacky fun stupid money days will return. And in the meantime we know that our fun is not defined or circumscribed by our circumstances. We can laugh hysterically over a Subway footlong as easily as a 6-course white tablecloth dinner. Hell, we got engaged over a medium cheese pizza from the Mellow Mushroom! And it was AWESOME. So the fun continues even as the kids grow tall and our days seem long.

You gotta have Reality. “My husband is the funniest, hottest, most patient, most scintillating human specimen on the planet!” FALSE. I am the hottest, nicest, sweetest, most giving wife on earth. FALSE. And that’s a good thing. Good lord, what pressure to put on another person to be your Everything! The reason hilarious guy friends were invented was so your husband could be his own funny self without having to be The Funniest Guy EVER. The reason your girl friends were invented was so your husband could be there for you without having to be The Best Listener EVER. Give a guy a fighting chance, for heavens sake. He doesn’t have to be your best everything. He just has to be himself, and you just have to know that everything he is, is what you like best.

All of which is to say: Happy 15th, Baby Daddy. I do indeed like you the best.


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