La La How The Life Goes On


Posted on: October 12, 2014

So much to dissect and discuss this week. All under the title, “Euphemisms.”

For instance, Sayreville, NJ. Previously known to me only as the hometown of the forever-gorgeous and lovely Jon Bon Jovi. Now known as the place where 7 high school boys were sexually assaulted by other members of their football team. The place where these incidents are being referred to as “hazing.” Hazing?! Hazing is swallowing goldfish or drinking 12 beers or wearing stupid clothing. This is not hazing. Being held down in a darkened locker room while some upperclassman forces his fingers up your anus is not hazing; it is sexual assault. Legally and morally. If you don’t agree, please leave your address in the comments and, at a time of my choosing, I’ll send a couple of large guys to your house to “haze” you by surprise. It’ll all be in good, harmless, male-bonding fun.

As if the town could not look worse, there are of course parents who are outraged that the football season has been cancelled as a result. Well, perhaps you can use the now-free time to teach your children how to not behave like animals. And maybe take a long, hard look at yourself too. How, once again, small-town sports contributes to rape culture in this society. Now even your sons are not safe from it. When you create a culture wherein adolescent boys are afforded special treatment and power because they can throw a ball, you create a whole lot of opportunities for them to abuse that power. It’s a goddamn mess, and it’s not “hazing.”

Next up is the “nude photo scandal” involving actresses such as Jennifer Lawrence from a few weeks back. Her account was hacked and nude photos she had taken for her boyfriend of four years were released by the hackers and posted on various web sites. In the upcoming Vanity Fair, Ms. Lawrence refers to what occurred as a “sex crime.” And she is correct. There is no “scandal” here, unless you count our society’s prevailing view that famous people are not human, are somehow owned by us, and have no right to privacy. Her boyfriend did not release these pics. She did not get naked in public. This woman’s personal bodily integrity was violated via hacking. The people who should apologize are the hackers and the web sites who made money off this clear violation of her privacy. Our laws need to catch up to our technology; to recognize that this woman’s personal property was STOLEN. And disseminated. She was sexually violated via technology. And it is wrong. It’s not a scandal. It’s a crime.

And finally, on a lighter note, there is this:
As a person who quite rightly views clowns as sinister, malevolent, ghoulish incarnations of evil, I submit to you that we stop calling this a “prank” and instead call it what it is: terrorism. Domestic terrorism most foul. We should pray for the residents of Wasco while hunting down these perpetrators, searching every henhouse, outhouse, doghouse and funhouse until they are caught. Let none of us rest until the scourge of clowning is erased from this great land.

Finally, finally, I leave you with this palate-cleansing photo, which I hope will encourage you to vote on November 4th. Because, while we can euphemistically call this woman “artsy-craftsy” or “freedom-loving” or what Sarah Palin termed “a real American,” I think we should go with the obvious: “dumb as fucking dirt.” I mean, she writes “bisexual” like it’s a bad thing! This lady will be voting. Make sure you will be too.


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