La La How The Life Goes On

Patriot-ism

Posted on: January 25, 2015

Back when I worked for a living (by which I mean my clients were above the age of 10 and only occasionally openly disrespected me) I often pretended to understand professional sports as a means of getting along. I could speak Boston Sports fluently, and sports of other cities competently, based on where I was sent by my company. But the truth is that I have never actively cared about sports beyond small talk. I cannot, unlike my husband, recite any stats about anyone or anything relating to the Red Sox or the Patriots or the Bruins. Which is not to say that I don’t care. It’s just that I don’t care enough to memorize it and get invested in it.

That said, I cannot get enough of this entire Tom Brady’s Balls situation. Lord have mercy! Now THIS is sports I like! With a nice side of intercity shade-throwing and corporate athletics bitchery.  More of this please!

First of all, we are not going to call it Deflate-gate on my personal belief that adding “Gate” to any word to imply that it’s escandalo! lacks imagination and does grave disrespect to the true crime that was Watergate itself.  We can all do better than a mere “gate” here. Especially when there are so many options that involve the words “balls” and “ball bags.”

Second, whatever the poundspersquareinch of pressure in the first half’s balls, the simple fact is that the Patriots spanked the Colts in the second half with pristine balls. 28 points of spanking to be specific. So any suggestion that this is somehow a game changer is nonsense.

Third, the only revelation in this whole mishigas that I find newsworthy is the fact that Rob Gronkowski is adorable. Giant and adorable. How have I not noticed him before? I mean, except for those life sized cut outs of him at Dunkin Donuts pushing a sandwich in my face. But seriously. He is like a human yellow lab and I swear to god I’d bring him home and let him call me mommy if my husband weren’t allergic to dander. 😉

Fourth, the memes generated by this “controversy” are among the best I’ve seen in years:

deflate-gate-brady shrinkage weighballs

Fifth, I’m so impressed by the NFL’s commitment to investigating wrongdoing that I can’t wait to see similar hours focused on Ray Rice.

In any case, the best last word is always from Sue Sylvester of Glee. For all you haters, I simply say this:

Your_resentment_is_delicious

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1 Response to "Patriot-ism"

Love this! Thanks for articulating so well and with such humor what I’m feeling about this – esp. the fifth and final point.

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