La La How The Life Goes On


Posted on: September 23, 2015

So it’s Yom Kippur 2015. The Day of Atonement. The holiest day of the year for Juifs. By the mere fact of this post after sundown, you can probably tell how not super observant I am about this holiday. Which is kind of grandly ironic considering that even the most assimilated Jew gets real serious about Yom Kippur. sideyeSomewhere there is a person named something like Taylor Maddysin Greenbaum getting so excited that Christmas stuff will be in the stores soon because she cannot wait to put candy canes on the Chanukah Bush this year. Even THAT chick is giving me side eye for dissing Yom Kippur. The liturgy is so damn scary that no one will eff with it. Who wants to take the chance that there is a God, and He is sitting on his throne. holding In his hands the Book of Life, and he has decided that you don’t get inscribed in it. Time to get your affairs in order, buddy. This ain’t your year. Tika-freakin-tayvu.delrio

So what’s my beef with Yom Kippur? I know I’ve bored you with my heresy before.  But let’s review, just so I can shoot the moon of sins on this most holy of holy days.

  • I don’t fast. Some people love to fast. They say it heightens the spirituality of the day. Please enjoy, family. Have at it. I, however, correctly diagnose that sensation as Low Blood Sugar and seek to avoid it. I also swallow about 15 pills a day, some of which have to be taken with food. So something tells me that Dr. God is fine with it too. I show respect for the Baby Daddy by not, you know, ordering a sausage pizza while he can’t even swallow his own spit lest he go straight to hell. But beyond that, I’m fine with repenting on a satiated stomach.
  • unforgiven (1)I don’t repent. Yeah I said it. I don’t repent. Not all at once anyway. I’m trying to be a better person by taking a ruthless inventory of myself on a semi-regular basis rather than just during the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I have received hurried emails from people just hours before Kol NIdre (the opening service for Yom Kippur, that starts at sundown) just making sure they don’t owe me an apology or anything. WHAT?! While I do have the certified ability to out-bitch anyone with my belief that you not knowing I’m mad at you is worse than whatever you did to make me mad at you, I really don’t understand these emails. Are we gonna hug it out in the next 39 minutes or something? If you’ve been wondering if you’ve hurt or offended me, why are you waiting until now to ask? Why wouldn’t you just ask at the time it happened? This then puts the pressure on me to write back, “Oh no! We are fine!” because otherwise this poor schmucko has to go through Yom Kippur unforgiven by me. Nice. The truth is that if you had pissed me off, you would already know, so rest easy. Save all that energy for the not eating you’re going to do. Except for you–you know who you are. I am furious with you. About that thing. At the place. With the guy. Have a nice teshuvah (repentance) though.
  • Having had a few actual near-death experiences in my brief 43 years on this earth, I am just flat out reluctant to–no, recalcitrant in my refusal to–engage in any word games with The Almighty that entail me being a person who might die this year. “Quick! Repent before I close the gates! Who by fire and who by flood!” Nah bruh. But you do you..



So that’s the short version of my Airing of Grievances. None of which I feel badly about. As Heinrich Heine said on his deathbed: “God will forgive me; it’s his trade.”

Easy fast to you, darlings. Easy fast.


*We have rebelled/revolted. It’s part of the Ashamnu, an aleph bet acrostic that serves as a litany of our collective sins as a People. For more info on this, please enjoy the following link:


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